The Power of One's Truth

As a family therapist, I see that all of us are involved in major relationships in our lives. We have partners, children, parents, siblings, cousins, colleagues. In all these relationships, communication about our individual needs and wants is a critical element of what needs to be talked about and what is often neglected. Somehow one person’s needs are often expressed more strongly than another person’s and the second person is left feeling unheard, upset, disempowered, and unhappy.
What can we do about this? We can talk. And, we can listen. By saying what is really on our minds, we begin the dialogue. By listening to what the other person has to say, the listener shows love, and an interest in the other person’s experience. Sometimes, it takes a real effort to open up and say what is on one’s mind. Fear of rejection can get in the way.
A young woman I know was feeling very shut down because her husband was telling her to do things his way, rather than letting her do things her way-the way she had been doing them for a long time. She was afraid of talking to him because she was worried that he would leave her. But, she was deeply unhappy and felt her own sense of self being eroded. Things were so bad between them that she felt that she was slowly dying. If she did not talk to him, her life would be more and more depressing.
With some encouragement, she decided to talk with her husband. Some strong differences had developed since their first days together. They talked. She felt within her the support she had received and said her truth. He was able to hear her. He agreed to let her be her own person. He felt things were better that way and realized that he had lost his real partner by pushing his opinion on her too much.
Being able to put into words a thought or a feeling is a giant step forward in human relationships. Being able to catch a hold of a feeling is a big undertaking. It requires noticing what is going on inside oneself (anger, disappointment, frustration, pain, anxiety) and finding the words to say it. It also requires a certain amount of self-confidence and trust in one’s self and the other person because saying how we feel involves vulnerability-telling one’s truth.
The end result of doing this hard work is the beauty of discovery. Saying one’s truth allows another’s truth to also be said. That in itself is exciting and enriching. When two truths talk to each other, solutions can be found that work for everyone and they make people feel closer!
Try saying your truth about your personal experience to someone you are close to. Have them really listen and take in what it is you are saying. How do you feel? Can you do this for them? And, if you notice that you can not do this with the people you are closest to, you might consider getting some help to open up the dialogue between the two of you.

Listening… to a Girl

Yesterday, I met with a father, mother and seven year old girl. The girl was having behavioral issues at home and at school. At school, she would get very mad and stay mad for the rest of the day. She didn’t seem to get along well with other kids either. At home, she also would get in a bad mood and stay in that bad mood for hours. Her mother said, “She wants what she wants and when she can’t get it, she has a fit.”
As the mother was describing her behavior at school, she started to cry. So, I tried to learn what was upsetting to her. Soon, she was telling me that recess “which was supposed to be the funnest part of the day, was one of the worst parts of her day” because she hated the game that all the other girls played and there was no room for the game she loved. I learned that she spent recess standing around, “doing nothing” and following recess, she had her “boringest class” of the day.”
When the parents, for the first time, learned what recess what like for their young one, right in my office, they put their heads together and began to figure out what they could do about the situation.
It was wonderful to see what real listening could bring. It brought empathy where there had been annoyance and worry and a call to action, where there had been none.