The Power of One's Truth

As a family therapist, I see that all of us are involved in major relationships in our lives. We have partners, children, parents, siblings, cousins, colleagues. In all these relationships, communication about our individual needs and wants is a critical element of what needs to be talked about and what is often neglected. Somehow one person’s needs are often expressed more strongly than another person’s and the second person is left feeling unheard, upset, disempowered, and unhappy.
What can we do about this? We can talk. And, we can listen. By saying what is really on our minds, we begin the dialogue. By listening to what the other person has to say, the listener shows love, and an interest in the other person’s experience. Sometimes, it takes a real effort to open up and say what is on one’s mind. Fear of rejection can get in the way.
A young woman I know was feeling very shut down because her husband was telling her to do things his way, rather than letting her do things her way-the way she had been doing them for a long time. She was afraid of talking to him because she was worried that he would leave her. But, she was deeply unhappy and felt her own sense of self being eroded. Things were so bad between them that she felt that she was slowly dying. If she did not talk to him, her life would be more and more depressing.
With some encouragement, she decided to talk with her husband. Some strong differences had developed since their first days together. They talked. She felt within her the support she had received and said her truth. He was able to hear her. He agreed to let her be her own person. He felt things were better that way and realized that he had lost his real partner by pushing his opinion on her too much.
Being able to put into words a thought or a feeling is a giant step forward in human relationships. Being able to catch a hold of a feeling is a big undertaking. It requires noticing what is going on inside oneself (anger, disappointment, frustration, pain, anxiety) and finding the words to say it. It also requires a certain amount of self-confidence and trust in one’s self and the other person because saying how we feel involves vulnerability-telling one’s truth.
The end result of doing this hard work is the beauty of discovery. Saying one’s truth allows another’s truth to also be said. That in itself is exciting and enriching. When two truths talk to each other, solutions can be found that work for everyone and they make people feel closer!
Try saying your truth about your personal experience to someone you are close to. Have them really listen and take in what it is you are saying. How do you feel? Can you do this for them? And, if you notice that you can not do this with the people you are closest to, you might consider getting some help to open up the dialogue between the two of you.

How to have a good relationship

Having a good relationship is something we all desire and is not easy to get. Why is it so hard to get and what can we do to improve our possibilities of having such a relationship?
We all come into our adult relationships with a lot of baggage from our childhoods. We have hopes and dreams for our own lives and we want to be loved, understood, and supported by the person we are closest to, usually our life partner. But, things get in the way of that happening. We feel our partner does not understand us or we feel we can’t ask for what we want or we feel scared of asking or fearful about rejection, etc. Sometimes, we just want our partner to understand what we want without our saying anything! And, when they don’t do what we want we may feel very disappointed.
The baggage from our childhood has a lot to do with things not going well in our adult lives. If we wanted our mother or father to understand us or to empathize with us about things that happened to us when we were children and they didn’t, we are left with a hunger for someone to really be there for us in the present. Often, we hope that someone will know what we want without us having to say what it is that we want. For relationships to go well, we need to learn is to speak up on our own behalf, no matter how embarrassing that might be.
For example…One Sunday, I woke up with my mind filled with emails I needed to write and other things I needed to do. It was obvious that my husband wanted me to stay in bed with him. I struggled with what to do in this situation. The “good girl” inside of me is still strong and made me think that I should stay in bed with him. But, my own personal truth was that I wanted to do some work. I noticed how tight my body was. Tight with the restriction I was putting on myself. Noticing this, I said to my husband that I wanted to get some work down. To my surprise, he supported me taking care of my work. The great ending to this story is that after I had completed some work, I felt so relieved and happy that I was able to go back to bad and snuggle with my husband for a while, which made both of us happy.
By taking the risk of displeasing my husband to take care of my own needs, I changed our dynamic. Learning to speak up on one’s behalf is an important skill for a successful marriage.
And, for a marriage to work, another important skill to learn is to listen to our partners and really hear what they are saying. When there are lots of problems of communication in a marriage, it is helpful to turn to a marriage counselor for help.