As a family therapist, I see that all of us are involved in major relationships in our lives. We have partners, children, parents, siblings, cousins, colleagues. In all these relationships, communication about our individual needs and wants is a critical element of what needs to be talked about and what is often neglected. Somehow one person’s needs are often expressed more strongly than another person’s and the second person is left feeling unheard, upset, disempowered, and unhappy.
What can we do about this? We can talk. And, we can listen. By saying what is really on our minds, we begin the dialogue. By listening to what the other person has to say, the listener shows love, and an interest in the other person’s experience. Sometimes, it takes a real effort to open up and say what is on one’s mind. Fear of rejection can get in the way.
A young woman I know was feeling very shut down because her husband was telling her to do things his way, rather than letting her do things her way-the way she had been doing them for a long time. She was afraid of talking to him because she was worried that he would leave her. But, she was deeply unhappy and felt her own sense of self being eroded. Things were so bad between them that she felt that she was slowly dying. If she did not talk to him, her life would be more and more depressing.
With some encouragement, she decided to talk with her husband. Some strong differences had developed since their first days together. They talked. She felt within her the support she had received and said her truth. He was able to hear her. He agreed to let her be her own person. He felt things were better that way and realized that he had lost his real partner by pushing his opinion on her too much.
Being able to put into words a thought or a feeling is a giant step forward in human relationships. Being able to catch a hold of a feeling is a big undertaking. It requires noticing what is going on inside oneself (anger, disappointment, frustration, pain, anxiety) and finding the words to say it. It also requires a certain amount of self-confidence and trust in one’s self and the other person because saying how we feel involves vulnerability-telling one’s truth.
The end result of doing this hard work is the beauty of discovery. Saying one’s truth allows another’s truth to also be said. That in itself is exciting and enriching. When two truths talk to each other, solutions can be found that work for everyone and they make people feel closer!
Try saying your truth about your personal experience to someone you are close to. Have them really listen and take in what it is you are saying. How do you feel? Can you do this for them? And, if you notice that you can not do this with the people you are closest to, you might consider getting some help to open up the dialogue between the two of you.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Listening… to a Girl
Yesterday, I met with a father, mother and seven year old girl. The girl was having behavioral issues at home and at school. At school, she would get very mad and stay mad for the rest of the day. She didn’t seem to get along well with other kids either. At home, she also would get in a bad mood and stay in that bad mood for hours. Her mother said, “She wants what she wants and when she can’t get it, she has a fit.”
As the mother was describing her behavior at school, she started to cry. So, I tried to learn what was upsetting to her. Soon, she was telling me that recess “which was supposed to be the funnest part of the day, was one of the worst parts of her day” because she hated the game that all the other girls played and there was no room for the game she loved. I learned that she spent recess standing around, “doing nothing” and following recess, she had her “boringest class” of the day.”
When the parents, for the first time, learned what recess what like for their young one, right in my office, they put their heads together and began to figure out what they could do about the situation.
It was wonderful to see what real listening could bring. It brought empathy where there had been annoyance and worry and a call to action, where there had been none.
As the mother was describing her behavior at school, she started to cry. So, I tried to learn what was upsetting to her. Soon, she was telling me that recess “which was supposed to be the funnest part of the day, was one of the worst parts of her day” because she hated the game that all the other girls played and there was no room for the game she loved. I learned that she spent recess standing around, “doing nothing” and following recess, she had her “boringest class” of the day.”
When the parents, for the first time, learned what recess what like for their young one, right in my office, they put their heads together and began to figure out what they could do about the situation.
It was wonderful to see what real listening could bring. It brought empathy where there had been annoyance and worry and a call to action, where there had been none.
Monday, November 21, 2011
How to have a good relationship
Having a good relationship is something we all desire and is not easy to get. Why is it so hard to get and what can we do to improve our possibilities of having such a relationship?
We all come into our adult relationships with a lot of baggage from our childhoods. We have hopes and dreams for our own lives and we want to be loved, understood, and supported by the person we are closest to, usually our life partner. But, things get in the way of that happening. We feel our partner does not understand us or we feel we can’t ask for what we want or we feel scared of asking or fearful about rejection, etc. Sometimes, we just want our partner to understand what we want without our saying anything! And, when they don’t do what we want we may feel very disappointed.
The baggage from our childhood has a lot to do with things not going well in our adult lives. If we wanted our mother or father to understand us or to empathize with us about things that happened to us when we were children and they didn’t, we are left with a hunger for someone to really be there for us in the present. Often, we hope that someone will know what we want without us having to say what it is that we want. For relationships to go well, we need to learn is to speak up on our own behalf, no matter how embarrassing that might be.
For example…One Sunday, I woke up with my mind filled with emails I needed to write and other things I needed to do. It was obvious that my husband wanted me to stay in bed with him. I struggled with what to do in this situation. The “good girl” inside of me is still strong and made me think that I should stay in bed with him. But, my own personal truth was that I wanted to do some work. I noticed how tight my body was. Tight with the restriction I was putting on myself. Noticing this, I said to my husband that I wanted to get some work down. To my surprise, he supported me taking care of my work. The great ending to this story is that after I had completed some work, I felt so relieved and happy that I was able to go back to bad and snuggle with my husband for a while, which made both of us happy.
By taking the risk of displeasing my husband to take care of my own needs, I changed our dynamic. Learning to speak up on one’s behalf is an important skill for a successful marriage.
And, for a marriage to work, another important skill to learn is to listen to our partners and really hear what they are saying. When there are lots of problems of communication in a marriage, it is helpful to turn to a marriage counselor for help.
We all come into our adult relationships with a lot of baggage from our childhoods. We have hopes and dreams for our own lives and we want to be loved, understood, and supported by the person we are closest to, usually our life partner. But, things get in the way of that happening. We feel our partner does not understand us or we feel we can’t ask for what we want or we feel scared of asking or fearful about rejection, etc. Sometimes, we just want our partner to understand what we want without our saying anything! And, when they don’t do what we want we may feel very disappointed.
The baggage from our childhood has a lot to do with things not going well in our adult lives. If we wanted our mother or father to understand us or to empathize with us about things that happened to us when we were children and they didn’t, we are left with a hunger for someone to really be there for us in the present. Often, we hope that someone will know what we want without us having to say what it is that we want. For relationships to go well, we need to learn is to speak up on our own behalf, no matter how embarrassing that might be.
For example…One Sunday, I woke up with my mind filled with emails I needed to write and other things I needed to do. It was obvious that my husband wanted me to stay in bed with him. I struggled with what to do in this situation. The “good girl” inside of me is still strong and made me think that I should stay in bed with him. But, my own personal truth was that I wanted to do some work. I noticed how tight my body was. Tight with the restriction I was putting on myself. Noticing this, I said to my husband that I wanted to get some work down. To my surprise, he supported me taking care of my work. The great ending to this story is that after I had completed some work, I felt so relieved and happy that I was able to go back to bad and snuggle with my husband for a while, which made both of us happy.
By taking the risk of displeasing my husband to take care of my own needs, I changed our dynamic. Learning to speak up on one’s behalf is an important skill for a successful marriage.
And, for a marriage to work, another important skill to learn is to listen to our partners and really hear what they are saying. When there are lots of problems of communication in a marriage, it is helpful to turn to a marriage counselor for help.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Really listen
The key thing is to really listen. Whether you are listening to your child, your partner, or your client, this means putting aside any conjectures, thoughts, opinions, wants, or needs. When you are able to do this, all kinds of possibilities arise. New information, new understanding, and new solutions. When the "other" feels really heard, they experience something new and wonderful and there is a moment of hope and excitement, shared by both persons.
Try listening without judgement and without expectation and see what happens!
Try listening without judgement and without expectation and see what happens!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Laughter and Young People
Laughter comes easily to many young people. If you want to stay young at heart, let yourself "fall in love" with the high spirits of your young family members and other young people. Laugh with them. Joke with them. Listen to what they have to say and let yourself be amazed by their hopefulness and their concerns. Think about possibilities with them. And relate to them in a real and honest way. They will love you for that and will entrust their thoughts with you. Most of all, enjoy them, don't criticize them, and let the relationship unfold as it goes.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Unmasking
One of the great beauties of psychotherapy is the chance to talk about the real truths of one’s life and experience.
From early on in our lives, most of us learn to hide our feelings from other people and even from ourselves. Not being able to talk about our real feelings often develops in response to the ways our parents talk to us and treat us. This often forces us to pretend that we are happy when, in fact, we are not. As the years go by, we become more and more self-protective and less and less able or willing to talk about our real feelings.
This inability to talk about our real feelings can occur with dating and other intimate relationships. An unexpected moment of disappointment, for instance, can occur and instead of expressing our disappointment, we get angry or shut down or turn away from the person and relationship.
It is scary to be vulnerable. It is also much more emotionally demanding to say, “I was disappointed” than to say,”That’s okay. It doesn’t matter, etc.” However, saying “I was disappointed” to the other person lets them in to your true feelings and opens the possibility for real communication.
The beauty of psychotherapy is that it is a safe place to talk about your real feelings: your sadness, your loneliness, your conflicts, and your dreams. In the safety of a therapist’s office you can let your guard down; no one will criticize or attack you. In my practice, I feel deeply honored to hear and see each person’s truths brought to light.
Being able to talk about all the hidden, tucked-away feelings is like raking a garden free of leaves, letting the flowers bloom in all their beauty. Talking about your inner truths lets the flower of you breathe more freely. It lets your whole being feel less constricted, more relaxed and more confident. In the long run, being truthful in therapy translates into real life. People become more articulate and truthful in their lives and more able to be respectful and receptive to others in their lives, such as partners, children and colleagues. Bit by bit, by talking, people free their true selves, and feel happier.
From early on in our lives, most of us learn to hide our feelings from other people and even from ourselves. Not being able to talk about our real feelings often develops in response to the ways our parents talk to us and treat us. This often forces us to pretend that we are happy when, in fact, we are not. As the years go by, we become more and more self-protective and less and less able or willing to talk about our real feelings.
This inability to talk about our real feelings can occur with dating and other intimate relationships. An unexpected moment of disappointment, for instance, can occur and instead of expressing our disappointment, we get angry or shut down or turn away from the person and relationship.
It is scary to be vulnerable. It is also much more emotionally demanding to say, “I was disappointed” than to say,”That’s okay. It doesn’t matter, etc.” However, saying “I was disappointed” to the other person lets them in to your true feelings and opens the possibility for real communication.
The beauty of psychotherapy is that it is a safe place to talk about your real feelings: your sadness, your loneliness, your conflicts, and your dreams. In the safety of a therapist’s office you can let your guard down; no one will criticize or attack you. In my practice, I feel deeply honored to hear and see each person’s truths brought to light.
Being able to talk about all the hidden, tucked-away feelings is like raking a garden free of leaves, letting the flowers bloom in all their beauty. Talking about your inner truths lets the flower of you breathe more freely. It lets your whole being feel less constricted, more relaxed and more confident. In the long run, being truthful in therapy translates into real life. People become more articulate and truthful in their lives and more able to be respectful and receptive to others in their lives, such as partners, children and colleagues. Bit by bit, by talking, people free their true selves, and feel happier.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
This morning: Peace after negative thoughts
I woke up in a slightly bad mood. Someone listened to me for about ten minutes. I told this person that I had felt very happy after running a group and then had had a self-critical thought. This thought got in the way of my pleasure and interferred with my feeling good about myself. After talking and remembering that I am often highly criitical of myself, my negative feelings disappeared and I was able to return to feeling good. My spirits were lifted as
I went out in the rain to walk the dog.
I was able to notice how quiet the city was. The rain seemed to blanket the sounds of cars and gave the city a sense of calm. I saw an acquaintance and commented on the rain and she said,"It's peaceful." and I said "Yes! that's the word."
I walked further and saw pink and white wood apples and raindrops glistening on the branches of a Japanese maple. There was a feeling of peace inside of me. I did not even let my thoughts wander to "what next." I enjoyed this moment.
I went out in the rain to walk the dog.
I was able to notice how quiet the city was. The rain seemed to blanket the sounds of cars and gave the city a sense of calm. I saw an acquaintance and commented on the rain and she said,"It's peaceful." and I said "Yes! that's the word."
I walked further and saw pink and white wood apples and raindrops glistening on the branches of a Japanese maple. There was a feeling of peace inside of me. I did not even let my thoughts wander to "what next." I enjoyed this moment.
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